Underwear? You ask. It’s true. This is one of those little odd reasons I hate being fat… underwear. As a fat woman I find myself faced with the dilemma of which underwear style to choose. I’m still quite heavy and have this oh-so-attractive stomach roll that I can’t figure out what to do with. Here’s the thing… do I wear big huge granny panties to cover it up? Do I wear high cut bikinis that cover half of it? Do I choose normal bikinis and let my undies sit under my roll. Or do I go nuts and wear a thong just covering up the bits? It’s a strange dilemma, but I’m faced with it. The only reason this came up was the fact that I got so lazy and didn’t wash clothes for a long time and have now gotten the chance to take a tour of every single pair of underwear in my underwear drawer. Yup I’ve worn them all. Briefs, bikinis, boy shorts, lace ones, cotton ones, silky ones, my underwear drawer is a cornucopia of undergarments.
So here’s my take so far of Undie Tour 2009. The high cut bikinis are a pain. They cover half my roll when I slip them on, but during the day gravity and movement manage to roll them down and they end up bunched in a little roll under my, well, roll. Not very comfortable I must say. Same thing with the boy shorts. They are super cute when I slide them on, but in the end are hidden under my tummy. The regular bikini was at least honest with me. It made no attempt to cover up the stomach and sat below my gut. They are comfortable, but something about my tum tum swaying loose in the wind bothers me. I don’t like the feel of my stomach scratching against the inside of my jeans. I don’t know, maybe it’s just me. Then there was the string bikini. God help us. This one was terrible. Not only did they disappear under my roll, the strings on the side found themselves wedged into my hip. Geesh, didn’t I realize before I actually had hip rolls? Gross out. So when I look in the mirror, all I see is a little triangle of fabric covering my hoo ha, the rest mysteriously missing, tucked away in the folds. This, I did not like. Finally there was the infamous granny panties. OK I think what I call granny panties isn’t the same ones your granny wears. Honestly I don’t think I’ve ever bought a pair of truly full cut brief underwear. The ones I wear are actually labeled hipsters, whatever that means. But like Goldie Locks said, “they were just right”. These seem to hug my body in all the right ways, cover the stomach, and stay put all day long. In my mind these are granny panties, but I know they are not even close. Granny panties are the ones that go up to your belly button… Let’s not go there. So the clear winner for me was the hipsters.
But what about the size? Ugh, don’t get me started. When did someone come up with underwear sizing? 4,6,8,10? And those sizes pretty much cover the size range of most women? I’ve always hovered in the 8-10 range for most of my adult life. Size 10? What is that equivalent to? I wear a size 22? I like what some of the plus-sized stores do. They actually size underwear normally. I can go there, buy a size 22/24 and KNOW they will fit. How many times have you picked up a 3-pack of undies in size X from one brand and another pack in the same size from another brand, go them home, and neither fit right (one probably being to tight, one too big)? I’ll stick with my plus-sized brands even though they are heinously expensive ($14 for a pair of undies?!?).
This makes me think of the sizing on pantyhose (ok pantyhose aren’t underwear, so a bit off topic, but at least it has the word panty in it!). A,B,C… Q? I was surprised to find I had picked up a royal title just from wearing my Queen-sized pantyhose! What the hell is that about? Is that the company’s way of saying, “Aww, I’m sorry you’re so fat. Let me make you feel better and call your size Queen.” Strange. Some of the plus-size stores at least have the dignity to call it like it is and just continue the alphabet with their sizes, D,E,F,G,H. While some others have opted to come up with up with their own naming convention, either restarting the alphabet, A,B,C, or using numbers 1,2,3. I personally like the ones that give me the real sizes like 1X, 2X, 3X. Then I really know what I’m getting. I mean, am I a B or a C or a 2 or a 3? Well at least I know I’m somewhere around 2X or 3X, so I appreciate the honesty in their sizing. But I suppose pantyhose don’t really need exact sizes anyway. When a pair of pantyhose says it fits a woman from 5’4″ to 6’3″ from 190 pounds to 250 pounds, I think you can be loose with the sizing.
So now all that remains in my undie drawer is a thong. So the question is… am I going thong or doing laundry today? I suppose I could take a tip from my boyfriend and just go commando!
